Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
