so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
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