My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize