Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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