Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
