Im at strip club and am horny
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Randomize
