blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
At least life still wants to fuck me.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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