woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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