I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
