My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Randomize
