If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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