if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I need a burrito and a hug.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize