We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
