Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
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