Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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