i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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