Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
