We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
its liver damage thursday
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
