you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
