So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
