Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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