Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize