I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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