dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I think your dad took our porno
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
