there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Rumble strips road head = magical
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
