Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
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