Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
