I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Someone came in the potted fern
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
