barbara walters just said penis...
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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