Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
