I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
