someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
