tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
