I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
She even gives head with a lisp.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
