i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize