He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
