I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
