I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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