my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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