i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I just found a bag of teeth...
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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