My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I need water and some morals
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
