My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
