I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
