I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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