He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
