Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
