i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
