You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
