Apparently you make a good broom.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
