i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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