i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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