I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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