some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
So gin and wine won't be happening again
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
