we have pet lesbian snakes
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
