did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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