forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I need a beard to bite.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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