this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
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