ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Randomize
