I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
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