last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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