I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
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