i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
