wrigley field is MILF paradise
My liver just broke up with me...
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
